Saturday, October 29, 2016

The Billionaire Philanthropist


I've been sitting back daydreaming in the five or six free minutes that I have each day, and pondering the same question that almost everyone ponders, "What am I going to do when I win the lottery?" Yes it is a pipe dream for most, but I figured should I actually win the lottery (should I actually buy a ticket I guess should come first) I have some great philanthropic goals, to spread love an wealth to everyone. I of course am only sharing it with all of you so that you will be there to bask in the good that I do with all that free bling foisted upon me by the various lottery commissions throughout this great country. I'm sure many of you have already figured out what I plan to do, but for the few of you that have not, I plan to stay at home in my underwear creating fake Twitter profiles of famous people to explain many of life's great mysteries. Someone has to do it, and it is the least (the very least) I can do.

Of course I would start small. I mean you can't just jump right into a fake profile of say Al Gore, and try to make sense of all the global warming crap that he threw into all of our faces, no it is best to start with songwriter's and try to explain all of the bargle snarf that they press to vinyl. Think of a tweet from Manfred Mann that looks something like this, "Nobody knows the Hell of being wrapped up in a douche, runner in the night or not!" or perhaps a tweet from Michael Stipe, "You're just jealous that there is no spotlight when YOU pee in the corner!" It will take some time to actually perfect the art of explainin' stuff, but I'll be rich, and have no reason to hurry the process. I'll take my time before I start doing the Paul Simon tweets about "Yeah, so Mrs Robinson is a man, there's nothing wrong with that."

The secret to my success, of course will be leaving the Ozzy Osbourne stuff alone. Kurt Cobain will be another one that the ten foot pole better never get close to. I mean if you mash up the things those two say (said, yeah I know I know), you're half way to a doctoral thesis, and not toward helping people. The Jimi Hendrix account will be busy enough, and it doesn't just start and end with "Hey it was the 60s why not kiss that guy?" or the Johnny Nash account, "Lorraine was a bitch, she never saw anything clearly," followed of course by the Mickey Dolenz tweet "@1HitJohnny well I saw her face and I had to leave her."

Yeah that's the ticket, I'll stick to music tweets before I start with the political blasphemy like Michelle Obama, "Keep Hillary busy as POTUS cuz I have a date with Bill!" or Barack Obama "Keep Hillary busy as POTUS so I can eat cheeseburgers while Michelle dates Bill!" or even pull up the late Ted Kennedy for a little "@HillKillsBill @MichelleWearsThePenis How about a Teddy sammich?" I may have to consider a move to the Grand Cayman before I even think about those tweets. Then again maybe I could just donate to the Clinton Foundation, and be protected from these things. Ok maybe being a billionaire ins't as easy as it sounds but it would sure be nice to try it.